My mother's generation had a network of real live human beings from which to draw wisdom, direction and much unwanted advice. Mine had our mothers, who, after generations of being attached to their stoves and the umbilical cords of their children, gave us much self-centered advice. We, the ME generation, armed with our determination to change the world, and some self-centered advice, went way up in our heads in search of ourselves. Is it little wonder that the up and comings of our day turn to the vast cloud of voices in cyberspace to obtain all of their misinformation?
I've never been a trends-follower, and I've certainly never been a trend-setter; however, I love my husband, and we have a pretty amazing marriage that has allowed us to be best friends and lovers for over 36 years. There is no one who loves me more or whom I love more than Don, and we let no other person know us in the same way we know each other. He is my soul mate, and my only mate for life. We are like dolphins, Emporer Penguins, and, according to Phoebe on Friends, lobsters! We are "it" for each other forever.
I've known quite a few couples, and some of the ones who are monogamous with a capital M are also....boring with a capital B! The minute HE goes out of the room SHE starts running him down either in a whisper or a shout. Excuse me, where is the love in that? Or....the minute she huffs out of the room, he shakes his head and takes a few slugs from whatever bottle he's nursing. I wouldn't want to spend a weekend with a couple like that, but they keep grinding away at "til death do us part" until death does them part, and everyone talks about their lasting marriage. Their kids might rather call it, "their enduring hardship". The thing is, a lifetime is a LONG time to be together. How do successful couples avoid the pitfalls that make them want to hurl themselves into the pit?
Here is what I've learned on my trips around the block, observing the good marriages:
1. Have a purpose as a couple. Our center is God and He's the unseen third party in our every discussion! Before you write this idea off as "creepy", let me tell you this. It's only creepy if you are being ugly to one another. Because, whether you believe in Him or not, He's still there, and He knows your heart...the good, the selfish AND the nasty. So if you are aware and agree He is there, as a couple, you are more likely to get to the real problem behind the fight, and you might not curse or call each other's generational sins to the forefront, because you know that God, who witnessed your generational sins, is listening. Harsh words wound loving hearts. They often heal, with a few scars, but who needs a spouse with more and more scars on his or her heart?
2. Kids are cute and sweet and everything, but they were not here first, your spouse was, so treat him as though he has dibs on you! Think about it, your kids drool on you, spit up on you, scream at you, smile toothlessly at you, and pretty much capture your heart with a single slobbery smile, but they will not grow old with you. If they do, they won't like it much. We had four boys, and now we have four men. Each has their own lives, their own wives....soon to be wives or someday wives. They are a family or a family in the making. Don is my forever family. When the boys were young, and they were all in bed....finally....there was a peaceful knowledge that it was "our time". A lot of times we laughed or cried about one thing or another that was happening in the lives of our kids, but it was still our time together. Kids grow up fast, and after that all of the time outside of our jobs is "our time". What you do with "our time" when the kids are growing up can be the cement that paves the road to the "our time" that comes at the end of your life together. We still have family members in and out of our house, and we both have jobs and responsibilities, so we aren't there yet. But, when we see a couple holding hands and walking contentedly down the street, a couple with a lifetime of memories behind them and more in front of them, we know that is who we want to be when we're old.
Tomorrow: Sex is forever too, but it's private! Knowing the heart of your spouse.
